I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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