I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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