you would pick up someone in the library
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
