She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
