420 ftw
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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