Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
