My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
