Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
