I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
