i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
