I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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