On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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