my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
When are your genitals available?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
