The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
