What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
