A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
