Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
