My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
