I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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