I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I AM VODKA MAN
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
This toilet bowl is my home.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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