Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
