you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
