I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
