One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
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He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
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Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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