I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
