I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
