I wish I could punch you in the face.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
