when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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