I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Randomize
