Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
only you would photoshop your dick
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
