I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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