Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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