Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
