I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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