my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
