I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
