apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
