Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
the condom got lost in my hair
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
