Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
