I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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