Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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