You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
