I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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