My liver just broke up with me...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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