if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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