Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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