if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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