I hate your face
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
