So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
