Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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