I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
then he tried to convert me to islam
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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