I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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