I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
