Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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