Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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