My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
